Meanings are in People

One reason why I don’t get you, and you don’t get me:

If you stop and think about it, it’s not the words people say which create confusion and misunderstanding in so many interactions. It’s each individual’s definition and meaning of the words which produce potential chaos. It’s human nature to be egocentric and think that everyone understands words the same way we do. For example, if you said to someone who works for you to come in “early” tomorrow, what does early mean? The boss might expect you to come an hour early while the employee might interpret that to mean 15 minutes early. That’s one reason why we just don’t get each other.

Flipping through channels on the tv recently, I happened upon a reunion episode of the series, Married at First Sight. Although I never watched the series before, what caught my attention was an interaction between a newly married (at first sight) couple. Talk about your perfect environment for misunderstanding! The lovely bride turns to her newly acquired husband as they are driving away from the wedding ceremony to ask what her new last name would be now. The less than tactful groom replied, “Oh, no need to change your name. Just keep the one you have.” (or words to that effect.) It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to imagine what that newly married wife was thinking. However, she never clarified exactly what the comment from her dubious marriage partner meant. I know what I would have thought…let me out of the car!

Intrigued with how this marriage union worked out, I stayed watching as the “reunion” show brought the couple back together. The fact that when the required time to stay married via their contract terms ended that the couple divorced didn’t surprise me. I actually was glad she got out while she had the chance. What did surprise me was that it was the husband who wanted the divorce! The fact that the bride was an absolutely beautiful, well-spoken, and well-intentioned ex-wife who admitted she was 100% fully committed to the marriage, being dumped by a frankly unimpressive guy, to me, was the shocker.

It was interesting to note, when the ex-wife brought up reasons why she felt their marriage ended in divorce, that the initial verbal exchange in the car was paramount. She felt the groom’s reluctance or at least his unexpected response to her changing last names was a foreboding that his heart wasn’t in for the long haul. The ex-husband seemed surprised that she interpreted his response to her that way. He countered that in his mind, he assumed she might be a “modern woman” who preferred to keep her own last name. He insisted there was no malicious intent with his comment. Well, also the fact that he failed to tell his mother that he had gotten married was another red flag the wife could not understand. It turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophesy as the groom was the one who wanted the divorce in the end.

You can shake your head with the above illustration and chalk it up to the insanity of getting married to someone you’ve never met, but divorces happen to people who have lived together twenty, thirty, even forty years! Maybe if people kept in mind one simple but extremely important principle:

MEANINGS ARE IN PEOPLE…THEY ARE NOT NECESSARILY IN THE WORDS PEOPLE SAY

There is one great way to eliminate or at least greatly reduce the opportunity for misunderstandings between people. Clarify. Ask. For example, “What did you mean by what you said? Why do you not want me to take your last name?” Perhaps the answer will not be one you want to hear, but at least the guessing game might be over. And the next time your boss tells you to come in early, you might just want to ask, “How early?”